


though far away, we're still the same

by expectopatronuz



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Suicide, vague desriptions of attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 08:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15044354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectopatronuz/pseuds/expectopatronuz
Summary: "He’s wearing black skinny jeans and what looks like the same gray hoodie he wore almost every day in high school, which is somehow reassuring, to Zoe. She goes to meet him, and he looks at her for a few moments, half-smiling. “Hey,” he says, but he says it like a question, and suddenly all of Zoe’s reservations are gone and she flings her arms around his neck."or, Connor is going to be brave, and Zoe is going to be there for him





	though far away, we're still the same

**Author's Note:**

> i was writing a sci-fi au for tree bros but life happened so i deleted it for now, maybe i'll be able to bring it back someday, but right now it's hard for me to write in this fandom... I'm okay and all, it just hits a bit close to home. hopefully this fic helps explain that  
> the title is from king and lionheart by of monsters and men

                Zoe thinks that she probably should have just refused to meet with Connor.

                He’s in town for the weekend, apparently, though Zoe doesn’t know why, because he’s not staying at home, with Zoe and their parents.

                He had texted her earlier in the week asking to meet up, and he asked if they could do it late, so that their parents wouldn’t find out. So here she is, sitting on the front steps to her house in the dark like an idiot, waiting for her brother, who might not even show up, knowing him.

                She opens her phone to Tumblr, and absently finds her way onto the blog that she isn’t supposed to know that Connor has.

                It was mostly poetry, sometimes reblogged, sometimes his own. It used to be a lot darker, last year, before he left for college. She checked it a lot more often back then, like maybe if she kept reading his sad poems, she’d be able to understand him. Now it’s mostly love poems, though. Pine-y and sappy, but he’s actually pretty good, and Zoe likes to know that he’s happier, now. She doesn’t know who the poems are about, she didn’t even realize that he was into guys until he posted a poem called “him” a few months ago. And she’s a bit sad that he hadn’t told her about it, about the mysterious guy in his life – but she’s mostly just relieved, happy to know that he has someone.

                She scrolls past his most recent posts, then refreshes the page. There’s a new post, saying “ _sometimes you just have to be brave, and it’s terrible and it makes everything harder but you just have to be brave anyways_.”

                Zoe swallows a lump in her throat and closes the app, opens Instagram and mindlessly scrolls for a few minutes, until a flash of headlights startle her into looking up, and Connor’s car is pulling into the driveway.

                She stands and waits for a moment – she’s not sure what they’re doing, he hadn’t said. He opens his door and stands, but he leaves the car on.

                He starts to walk over, a bit sheepishly. He’s wearing black skinny jeans and what looks like the same gray hoodie he wore almost every day in high school, which is somehow reassuring, to Zoe. She goes to meet him, and he looks at her for a few moments, half-smiling. “Hey,” he says, but he says it like a question, and suddenly all of Zoe’s reservations are gone and she flings her arms around his neck.

                He hugs her back, and she hears him swallow, and she thinks that maybe he’s tearing up.

                “It’s good to see you,” she says, and he inhales sharply.

                “It’s – it’s good to see you too.”

                They stand there for a minute, for too long, holding each other. Zoe doesn’t know how to break away, how to start a conversation. But then she’s not sure that she really wants to – she kind of just wants to stay there hugging her brother forever.

                But Connor starts to pull away, and clears his throat. “Do you – I was wondering if you’d go for a drive with me?”

                Zoe nods and wipes at her eyes, though she’s pretty sure she hadn’t actually started crying. “Okay, I’d – I’d like that.”

                So she gets into the passenger seat of his car and he drives away, down the street and around the corner, like it’s just another day on the way to school.

                It’s quiet for a while – not exactly awkward, or tense, but a little nervous.

                “It’s weird being back here,” Connor says, finally breaking the silence, and Zoe nods.

                “Do you miss it?”

                “Sometimes,” Connor shrugs. “It was – it was honestly pretty hard sometimes. But I miss the familiarity, you know? And I miss mom, I miss you.”

                Zoe nods, and she’s starting to well a bit but she swallows it down.

                “I miss you too,” she says, and Connor chuckles.

                “It’s okay if you don’t, I’d get it. I was – I was a really shitty brother for a while there. A really shitty person in general.”

                Zoe looks at her feet. “No, you weren’t – it’s okay, Connor.”

                “Still, I’m sorry.”

                Zoe turns to look at him, his eyes stay on the road. “Is that – is that why you wanted to see me? To apologize for being – for being—”

                “An asshole?” Connor supplies, but it’s good-natured. “Sort of. Mostly, I guess.”

                “Okay,” Zoe says, and she probably should formally accept his apology but she’s not entirely sure that she does, yet.

                Connor drives in silence for a bit longer, and Zoe is surprised when he turns into her school parking lot. He pulls into their spot from last year, and it’s strange that he remembers it. Zoe wonders if he did it on purpose, or if it was just habit.

                “How’s senior year going?” he asks, but he doesn’t turn to face her.

                “It’s good, it’s busy.”

                “I guess so. You’re on the grad committee, right?”

                “Yeah,” Zoe tries to hide the surprise, but she doesn’t know how he knows that. She’s pretty sure that he hasn’t spoken with their parents enough to know that. “It’s fun, but we’ve only got a few more months to plan it all out—”

                “Can I come?” Connor interrupts abruptly.

                “To my graduation?” Zoe asks, dumbfounded.

                “Yeah,” Connor looks down and scratches at his sleeve a bit. “I know I’m not good at the whole – the family thing, but I want to – I want to be. I want to be good at it, better at it.”

                “Of course you can come,” Zoe says. She wants to reach out, she wants to hold his hand or rub his shoulder or something but she doesn’t know what he’d do, doesn’t know what the new boundaries are. She hasn’t seen him since Christmas, hasn’t heard from him either. And even at Christmas he seemed so absent, so hollow. It was honestly terrifying to see.

                “Thank you, that really – that means a lot to me.” Connor fiddles with the sleeves of his shirt, pulled down over his hands. “I’m not – I’m probably not going to be here for the summer, I have a job at school and I like it there and I just – I want to be better, I just – I don’t—”

                “Hey,” Zoe reaches over, she can’t help herself, and places her hand over his, steadying them. “I’m – like, I’m happy you want to see me, but if you want to be better, why don’t you want to see mom and dad?”

                Connor nods and takes a few breaths, like he’s psyching himself up or something. Zoe sqeezes his hand, but he doesn’t look up.

                “I wanted – I wanted to talk to you, to tell you something. And I’m not ready for mom and dad to find out yet, and I just – it’s small steps, I don’t know. It’s supposed to be easier.”

                Zoe’s heart starts to pound a bit faster, and she’s not sure why. She thinks he’s maybe going to come out to her, she thinks maybe he’s going to tell her about the guy from the poems. But her stomach is sinking, and she shouldn’t be so nervous. She’s bi, for fuck’s sake – she gets the coming out thing.

                “You can tell me anything,” she says, and her voice shakes a bit but she means it. “I won’t – I won’t ever hate you. I just – I want—” Zoe trails off, she wants him to feel safe with her, but that feels like the wrong thing to say, for some reason.

                Connor nods down at his feet, and takes a deep breath.

                “I tried to kill myself, in September, my senior year.”

                Zoe’s heart drops to her feet, she feels sick to her stomach. She thinks that she gasps a bit, and chokes out an “oh.”

                “Someone found me,” Connor rushes to add. “They found me and – and they got me cleaned up at took me to their house and – and helped me, you know. Helped me get help. And I’m obviously – like I’m obviously not 100% fine now because depression doesn’t just go away but I’m still seeing a therapist and I’m taking medications and I’m really doing a lot better now.”

                “So you don’t – you don’t—”

                “I don’t want to die anymore,” Connor’s voice breaks a bit at the end of the sentence, and he clears his throat. “You don’t have to say anything, I just – you’re my sister, and I love you, and I guess it just, it was important to me that you knew.”

                Zoe takes a few shaky breaths, and she leans over the console to wrap her arms around him. He’s looking down but up close Zoe can see that his eyes are wet,

                “I’m glad you told me, I want you to be able to talk to me,” Zoe fights to keep her voice steady, and she doesn’t think that she’s really succeeding. But she doesn’t care. She needs him to hear her, she needs him to understand. “I wish – I wish you hadn’t felt like – I wish you weren’t hurting. But I’m happy that you’re getting help, Connor.”

                He nods and lifts his arms to her waist. He turns his face into her shoulder, and takes shaky breaths.

                “I really – I hope that you can talk to me if you need anything. Ever. Please.”

                “Thank you, I – just thank you.”

                “Like if you ever – if you feel like you want to – just please talk to me.”

                “I will,” Connor says, voice small. Zoe rubs circles on his back with her thumbs.

                They stay like that for a long time. But after a while Connor finally sits back up, and smiles weakly.

                “I guess I should probably take you home.”

                “I do have school tomorrow,” Zoe says, returning the smile. Connor starts the car and backs up, and Zoe is a little worried about his driving after all of the crying, but she doesn’t want to drive either. “Are you – are you going back to school tomorrow?”

                “Not until Sunday.”

                Zoe nods. “Do you – do you need a place to stay?”

                Connor turns to her briefly to smile, then turns back to the road. “I’m staying with a friend, but thank you.”

                Zoe really wants to know who the friend is, but she also doesn’t want to be too pushy. She doesn’t want to scare him off.

                “So can I see you again? Before you go?”

                “I’d really like that,” Connor says. “Maybe I’ll – I’ll talk to my friend, if he’s okay with it, maybe you could meet him?”

                “That would be nice,” Zoe looks at her hands and thinks about asking, and decides that it’s a reasonable question. “Is he – is he like, just a friend?”

                Connor blushes a bit, but smiles. “No, he’s not just a friend.”

                Zoe smiles. “I’m happy for you.”

                “Thank you,” Connor says, and she knows that he’s grateful that she’s not making it a big deal.

                “Does he go to school with you?”

                Connor shakes his head. “He’s not far, though. We usually get to see each other on weekends.”

                “That sounds nice,” Zoe says warmly, and she means it.

                He nods. “I’m happy, he makes me happy,” Connor turns onto their street, and even though it’s late and Zoe has to be up early for a jazz band rehearsal, she doesn’t want him to go. “Are you seeing anyone?”

                “Not right now, no,” Zoe says, and then she decides that if Connor is being brave she can be brave too. “I went on a few dates with Alana Beck before she left for college, but we weren’t sure if long distance would work for us, so we broke up.”

                If Connor is surprised, he doesn’t show it. “I’m sorry that it didn’t work out,” he says, “I always liked Alana. She was friendly to me.”

                Zoe nods. “I noticed that too.” Connor looks at her and there’s a moment that only siblings ever really have – a moment where they are both so clearly on the same page, a moment where they both understand how much the moment means, and where they both understand each other in a very real way.

                Connor looks back to the road – they’re coming up to their driveway. _Or_ , Zoe thinks, _her driveway_. She supposes that it doesn’t really count as his driveway anymore.

                “Anyways,” Zoe says, “I went out with a guy in jazz band, Josh, a few times as well. He was a bit boring for me, though.”

                “I hope something works out for you soon,” Connor says, and they come to a stop in front of Zoe’s house.

                Zoe shrugs. “I’m okay on my own. Maybe it’s better for me to wait until next year, anyways. I’m sure that I’ll meet someone in college.”

                “I’m sure you will.”

                They look at each other for a long moment, and then Zoe turns away.

                “I should probably get inside,” she says, and Connor clears his throat.

                “Thank you – thank you for listening. And for being here even though—”

                “It’s okay,” Zoe interrupts, because she’s not sure that she wants to know what he was going to say. “I’m always here, Connor. I’ll always be here.”

                Connor just nods, and Zoe thinks he might be fighting back tears.

                “Text me tomorrow, please? I’d really like to see you again before you go back.”

                “I will,” Connor promises, and Zoe opens the car door.

                She stands and wonders what she’s supposed to say, what one does in this situation. She doesn’t know, though, so she just leans forward and pokes her head through the door.

                “I love you,” she says – she thinks it might be the first time she’s said it to him since he started middle school.

                “I love you too, Zo.”

                She has to swallow a lump in her throat, but she keeps it together, and nods. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

                And then she shuts the door because if she keeps talking, she’ll never let him leave.

                He doesn’t drive away until she’s in the house, and she watches through the window as he drives back down the street. She walks upstairs and pauses outside of her parents’ bedroom, listening for stirring, or any signs that they’d noticed her absence. She hears nothing, so she goes into her bedroom and immediately crawls into bed.

                She lays with her eyes closed for a long time, but she can’t stop thinking, she can’t stop picturing things – picturing Connor with bloody wrists, with a bottle of pills, with a noose. He was vague about what he had done, and she’s curious but she doesn’t really want to know, doesn’t want to have to picture anything more specific.

                She rolls over and reaches for her phone, opens Tumblr and finds Connor’s blog. She refreshes a few times, and an update appears – he reblogged his own post from earlier, the one about being brave, only he added “ _it paid off. love each other_.”  

                Zoe lets out an involuntary sob, and then allows herself to just cry.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! come visit me at [expectopatronuz](http://expectopatronuz.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!


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